BATTLING MY INNER THOUGHTS

I wrote this on November 8, 2018 on Babes and Belfies and felt it fitting to share here.

Mama Bear, Happy Hannah, and Rainbow Farting Unicorn are just a couple of my nicknames.  Based on those alone, you can tell a lot about me. I am often smiling, hugging, chatting, and in general, a very happy-go-lucky person. Well, on the surface at least. Dip below and you have a swirling mass of emotions and feelings.

  • Happy – Yup. I am a genuinely happy person and it swirls with the rest of them.
  • Sad – There are so many things a day that make me sad. Some are big, some are small. Someone being treated poorly. A dead animal on the side of the road. A boo-boo from falling down. All tug at my heart strings.
  • Proud – I am often proud of the things I accomplish. I am proud of the things my friends and my family accomplish.
  • Small/Invisible – Like I don’t matter. That despite what anyone says, I am not seen.  That no matter how big the group or small the group, no matter how close a friend or barely known as an acquaintance, I am overlooked. That someone else is always more important.
  • Confident – I am confident. Confident in my ability to take care of myself, to do what I want, to wear what I want, to be able to stand on my own. It takes work with all the other emotions and it happens despite all the other emotions.
  • Defeated – Like no matter what I do, I won’t be able to make the next step. That no matter how hard I try or want something, it just isn’t meant for me.

Really, when it comes to myself, I have far more of the positive emotions. But involve other people and I question every motive and every gesture. I know enough most days to recognize my brain is being irrational when it tells me these things. That what it is trying to convince me of is simply not true. But that takes work and that work can be exhausting.

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” ~ Robin Williams

I am so fortunate to have friends and family who don’t make me feel alone when I can tell my brain to shut up.

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